Week 5: Do You Believe in Magic?

Eight positive interactions were defined and introduced in the blog post, “The Magical Relationship Ratio, According to Science”, from The Gottman Institute. These interactions include: Be interested, express affection, demonstrate they matter, intentional appreciation, find opportunities for agreement, empathize and apologize, accept your partners perspective, and make jokes (but not at their expense). I consciously put these actions to the test in my own marriage this week and recorded the outcomes; here are a few of my findings and experiences.

Be interested: My husband loves the world of fitness and spends a lot of his free time working out, studying for nutrition and training certifications, or researching new techniques. He follows the lives of several famous athletes through social media and often tells me about their latest P.R. or torn ligaments. I usually just nod and “mhm” through the conversation until he notices my disinterest and changes the conversation. This week I have made an effort to put aside what it is I am doing when he talks to me. I make eye contact and play a genuine part in the conversation; asking questions, making comments, and taking the opportunity to learn from him about his interests. Our conversations with each other have been more animated and he has reciprocated the attention toward my interests. As Goddard says in “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, God designed marriage to be a safe haven and a refuge. We need to build homes and marriages that promote working together toward goals and sharing in each other’s interests without judgement.

Express affection and intentional appreciation: This one is difficult for me; I am not a very affectionate person. It’s been a difficult year of growing and learning in our marriage, both of us have reached a point of exhaustion and defeat recently. In the midst of feeling empty, I recognized that my husband probably felt the same way. I needed to make intentional efforts to appreciate him. Being too tired to play games and guess at what he needed I had the wild idea to simply ask. We had a great discussion, and both made a list of ways we felt loved and appreciated. Jake’s list included, “when you give me a hug without me initiating it.” This week I made sure to give him a spontaneous hug every single day. I have seen our friendship bloom with a simple act of expressing affection and making intentional efforts to appreciate him and his needs.

Empathize and apologize: Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin’s words from his October 2007 general conference address have rang true in my marriage this week. He said, “The most cherished and sacred moments of our lives are those filled with the spirit of love. The greater the measure of our love, the greater is our joy. In the end, the development of such love is the true measure of success in life.” As Jake and I found ourselves in an argument over the weekend, our class studies, and this quote in particular, came into my mind. My pride was taking away from those moments of love. The arguments I fight to win aren’t what I will remember and hold dear. The sooner I can swallow my pride, see things from his perspective, empathize, and apologize, the sooner we can rededicate our time to a spirit of love. As difficult as it was to cease my very well thought out and winning arguments… I chose to say the simple words, “I’m sorry”, and the whole conversation changed. With an apology, both of us were more willing to be empathetic toward the other and the Spirit was able to guide our discussion in a more productive way.

Marriage is difficult and as long as we are imperfect human beings, it will never be easy. The key is to put in the effort to fight off our natural man. By intentionally and selflessly serving, loving, and seeking opportunities to agree with our spouse, we can see our marital friendships strengthened in an eternal way.