Week 10: Seeking to Understand

At the conclusion of Gottman’s book, he shares with us his “marital poop detector”. Gottman uses the marital poop detector to find early warning signs of something not smelling quite right in a marriage. When I was reading, I thought of a favorite saying from high school, (back when things like poop were funny). Anytime someone would say, “Does that make sense?” or something of the sort, we would respond with, “yeah I’m smelling what you’re stepping in.” As funny as this may have been, it’s applicable to marriage in that we need to be on the same page with our spouse, especially when things are turning sour.

If I’ve learned anything from Gottman and Goddard this semester, it is the importance of communication in any relationship, but especially marriage; the marital poop detector is no different. Being able to sense when things are off in our relationships before they escalate to a point of no return is a powerful tool. But how can we achieve this? How can we smell the poop? (Are you uncomfortable yet?)

In my own marriage, I have had a variety of experiences in using Gottman’s exercises that have led my husband and I to catching differences before they lead to contention and arguments. Typically, when we would come across differences with impending negative effects, we brush them off and ignore them. The past couple of months we have really tried to take what we have learned from Gottman and address our differences as soon as possible in a loving way. We have recognized the dangers of lowering our expectations for each other and giving up on our goals and aspirations for marriage. Gottman’s activities and exercises have helped us to stay on the same page; or in other terms, smell what the other is stepping in.

A recent example of applying early communication, and other aspects of Gottman’s book, happened just the other night as we were getting ready for bed. I’d been tired and irritable lately, my daily routine has me burned out. Between our calling as early morning seminary teachers, both of us working full time, and myself taking 21 credits this semester, Jake and I hardly have time to breathe let alone spend time with each other! The other night I felt like I’d finally had enough, and poor Jake usually gets the short end of the stick when my patience and energy run dry. But our dear friends Gottman and Goddard saved my marriage that night because I recognized the deep need I had for care and affection rather than misinterpreting it as annoyance and contention. So, instead of angrily slamming bathroom drawers and stonewalling Jake for telling me at 11:30pm that I'd have to teach seminary in the morning because he wouldn’t be able to make it, I turned toward him. I took his hands and honestly told him that having such little heads up would make it difficult to be prepared and was making me anxious. He said that he had noticed I’d been on edge lately and asked me what he could do to help. We took five minutes to honestly talk about the things I was feeling, how to combat them, and prayed together for peace, strength, and the spirit to fill our home.

After this experience, I thought, WHO ARE WE?! This is not us! How have we come so far and grown so much from just a few simple exercises found in a marriage book? I am astounded at the difference it makes in our relationship to proactively address those “smells” when we first notice them, rather than putting them off until they become a real problem.