Week 4: The 3 Wolves

Elder Bruce C. Hafen in his talk, "Covenant Marriage", advises that in our marriages, we take conscious precautions against three “wolves”. Not three, friendly little pigs who have little to no education on the art of construction. Not three picky bears who delight in spending time with golden haired girls, eating room temperature porridge. Natural adversity, personal imperfections, and extreme individualism; these wolves may invite you for dinner, but you’ll have to put up a fight to make it out alive. This is no bedtime story; this is the real world knocking at your door and working to tear down your marriage. 
Natural adversities are inescapable because of the Fall of Adam, but we know the necessity of this event due to our faith in God’s Plan of Salvation. Just as the Fall is necessary to humanities salvation, our own difficulties are essential for our individual salvation and our family’s exaltation. In our three years together, my husband and I have already faced natural adversities that have threatened our marriage. As a teenager, my dad lost his job and it sent my parents’ marriage spiraling. Just before our first anniversary, Jake lost his job. All my worst nightmares came true! I was a total mess thinking about the negative effects financial distress had on my family growing up. Luckily, I knew what not to do, I had learned good savings habits and work ethic from having to work hard and help support my family. Because of my previous wolves, I was ready for this one. Adversity is necessary for growth; I am a witness of it and appreciate it (after the fact).
Personal imperfections have always played a big part in my life and I can imagine it’s the same for others. This weekend I was struggling with some of my insecurities in profound ways. As I sought for comfort and help, my husband didn’t recognize my needs. I saw myself begin to nitpick his imperfections to make myself feel angry instead of self-conscious. Then, in conference a message was shared by Elder Hans T. Boom teaching that we shouldn’t point out or focus on each other’s flaws. Your spouse doesn’t need to hear what they’re doing wrong again, they know what their imperfections are. Instead we need to focus on creating a loving environment that inspires change and reciprocated care. As we focus on loving to be loved in return rather than punishing our spouses for not recognizing unspoken needs, we will find Charity. Charity will chase the wolves of daunting imperfections away.
There is no place for individualism in a marriage. Yes, hobbies, interests, growth, and learning can all be done at a personal level but as husband and wife we should be seeking opportunities to share those experiences with each other. My husband and I have very different hobbies. He loves the world of fitness. I like to work out and stay healthy, but I don’t know the name of every power-lifting, bodybuilding, nutritionist, or parkour master the way he does. He doesn’t expect me to join him in goals of lifting three times my body weight, but I do try to remain interested and available for him to talk with me about that part of his life. This is something we are working on in our marriage a lot lately as we pursue separate careers and interests; we are consciously shutting out the wolves of individualization by including each other as VIP’s in reaching our goals, even if it’s simply playing the part of cheerleader.  
Wolves may come, and they may be hungry, but the gospel and temple covenants that make our marriage eternal, are stronger than any trial, negative thought, or animal (literal or figurative) could ever be.

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